Of loss and tears

Dear Reader,

Sometimes, when you are happy and you think you want more, life tends to surprise you in it’s own, good bad or ugly ways. Life as we know it can be pretty weird, it’s an amusing yet a painfully delicious juxtapose at the same time! I had thought about this blog post a few months ago, I assumed it would be a measure to cope up and perhaps it would’ve ben but my heart demanded time.

I wanted to be okay, and even though I’d felt happy like yesterday, I was capable of feeling as though slathered with emotional blubber. I was numb, I was distant and cold and I’d cry at the drop a hat, without a reason or perhaps when some memory sneaked in my chain of thoughts. I was depressed and this isn’t a post that talk about depression or which is intended to heal one. I just want to share with my readers what had happened a few months ago.

Loss need come from only financial transactions and other stuff that makes you feel low. I’ve always known what loss felt like, growing up as a sensitive child, even the pain of pets dying was something castastrophic to me. It was shortly after my 22nd birthday, I knew something was wrong. The person who I called my uncle but to me, he was as good as my father.  Within almost a week of my birthday, he took the flight to heaven.

It had left everybody shocked. He was great guy and this is no condolence speech but what I saw that day, even tough all of it happened, I was delusional. I didn’t want to believe it. It was all of a sudden that he had chosen to leave. Yeah, life can get ugly sometimes, grotesque even.

I knew I had to be strong but sometimes after lots of tears, staring in to absolutely nothing, tears rolling down my cheeks, using kajal to hide my swollen eyes and almost being rammed in to by a huge truck, I found sanity in my existence. Nothing was ever going to be better, nothing would be normal again for my uncle wouldn’t walk in to ym house one random morning be up with his routine or entertain with his usual conversations. Yeah I will miss him and I still do. It’s been a few months, and this month, on the exact same date, some one else who was essentially a part of somebody who made me who I am today, lay to rest. The pain in excrutiating.

Here’s a poem I wrote to  cope up with his loss, which is irreversible and yet I know he is looking at me from the skies above. I hope I do him proud some day!

मेह्फूस हो तुम

ज़िन्दगी का वक़्त बिता जाता है,

कोई आता है और कोई जाता है

पर कई लोग हमेशा याद आते हैं,

शायद ऐसे ही यादगार हो तुम,

मेरे यादों के गुलदस्ते में मेह्फूस हो तुम।

कुछ बैटिंग ऐसी भी होते है,

जो वक़्त के दायरों के पार जाती है,

आँखों में आसु और होतो पे हसी लती है,

कुछ ऐसी याद बन गए हो तुम

मेरे यादों के गुलदस्ते में मेह्फूस हो तुम।

चिंगारियां भी उठती है,

और अंगीठियां सीली पद जाती है,

तूफानों में भी डेट रहने वाली

शीतल सी एक लौ हो तुम,

मेरे यादों के गुलदस्ते में मेह्फूस हो तुम।

ज़िन्दगी से बोहोत प्यार था तुम्हे,

महफ़िल की जान हुआ करते थे,

अब शायद उन्ही महफ़िलों को

बादलों के उस पार से देखते हो तुम,

मेरे यादों के गुलदस्ते में मेह्फूस हो तुम।

जब तुम चल दिए उस एक तरफ़ा रास्ते पर,

असू तोह बोहोत बहे सबने,

अब उन्ही आसुओं की स्याही से सींचकर

मेरे अल्फाज़ो में ज़िंदा हो तुम,

मेरे यादों के मेह्फूस हो तुम।

फिर यूँही खामोशियों में,

याद अति है तुम्हारी बातें,

वही हसी तुम्हारी किस्से तुम्हारे,

धुऐ की तरह हवा में जो घुल गए हो तुम,

मेरे यादों के गुलदस्ते में मेह्फूस हो तुम

He was darling and losses like are hard to deal with. I hope someday I live up to his expectations and make him proud, so that even thoguh in heaven, he can brag about it like he always loved to show me off to the world.

Lots of love,

Tanvi

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